A Number of Ways to Kill Ron Weasley
by Ms-Figg
Summary: A collection of one-shots killing off Ron and getting HG/SS together, taken from a compilation of stories from aff .net. Poor Ronald Weasley dies in many ways, thus ruining JKR's epilogue and saving Hermione. Ron Bashing at its highest.
1. The Unexpected Demise of Ronald Weasley

**The Unexpected Demise of Ronald Weasley**

"So, Miss Granger, have you heard from Mr. Weasley lately?" Potions master Severus Snape inquired of his twenty-year old apprentice as she handed him several pieces of Boomslang skin.

"Oh yes, professor. I received a letter from him just yesterday about how much he's accomplishing among the farmers of Tanzania. He says the living is rough and he has to sleep in a thatch hutch, but the work is very rewarding. Thank you so much for suggesting he go abroad and expand his horizons."

"It was my pleasure, Miss Granger. A wizard needs to expand his horizons after all. Mr. Weasley's eagerness to help the unfortunate is indeed commendable," the wizard purred.

"Yes, it is," Hermione agreed. "He's going to grow so much. Before this, his only aspirations were to get married and have a big family. I think this will be good for him . . . for both of us."

Hermione had always been a "big picture" person. Ron deciding to spend a year in Africa helping others had given the young wizard big brownie points in her eyes, although she missed him terribly.

"Undoubtedly," Snape smirked as he stirred the Polyjuice potion.

* * *

Ron yawned and stretched on his mat in the thatch hut, feeling nature call.

"Bloody hell," he groaned, sitting up.

He had his own hut, but no indoor plumbing. He'd have to relieve himself outside as everyone did. Groaning and half asleep, he stood up and stumbled toward the door, pushing aside the heavy reeds.

He exited, looking up at the sky. The moon was half-covered by clouds and all was quiet. There were no sounds at all. If he had been fully cognizant, he would have noticed and paid better attention.

He stumbled a few feet from the hut, pulled down the front of his pajama bottoms, ready to piss.

He never got the chance.

Suddenly, he was hit from the side by a snarling, furious, furry form.

He didn't even get a chance to scream as the hungry lioness clamped down on his throat.

It was over almost as soon as it began.

* * *

"I can't believe it: Hermione sobbed to Professor Snape. "Ron being killed by a lion. How often does that happen?"

Snape looked at the crying witch, his dark eyes glinting.

"Quite often in rural areas," he replied, "the encroachment of men often depletes the prey animals. Lions have to make up the difference . . . but I am sorry for your loss, Miss Granger."

Hermione blinked up at him with wet eyes.

"Whatever will I do without him, professor?" she asked him tremulously.

Snape's lip quirked.

"I'm sure time will cure your pain, Miss Granger," he replied. "And be assured I will be here if you find yourself in need of someone to talk to other than Mr. Weasley's family. That can be difficult when there are things in your heart you don't wish to reveal."

Hermione looked up at the wizard gratefully, wiping her eyes.

"Thank you, professor," she said softly.

"You are more than welcome, Miss Granger," Snape replied, already making his plans.

* * *

A/N: My initial offering. It might not be that great, considering all the Banana 99 and orange juices I've had, but it's a start. Next!


	2. AHarvesting We Go

**A-Harvesting We Go**

Restored to his position of Potions master after surviving Voldemort's attempt at murdering him and switching his DADA class with Slughorn, Snape and Ronald Weasley made their way up the mountainside. It was after midnight but a full moon gave them plenty of light.

"Now remember, Mr. Weasley, in order to gain the extra credit you've requested, you have to harvest a full bag of Dragonsbane. It is very important as an ingredient in a potion brewed to repell dragons," the pale wizard said as they approached the cave.

"Yes sir," Ron said, glad for this opportunity. He needed to get good marks in Snape's class in order to become an Auror. He wasn't that great at brewing, so asked the wizard if there were any way he could get his marks up. To his surprise, Snape said he could.

The old bat must have mellowed since Voldemort kicked the cauldron.

Snape stopped about one hundred feet from a large opening in the mountainside.

"There you go, Mr. Weasley. Be sure to enter in full darkness at first. Dragonsbane is very sensitive to light. You will only want to use the Lumos spell quickly and in flashes to locate it. You will find the plants about fifty paces in, straight ahead," Snape instructed.

"Yes sir," Ron said eagerly, pulling out a small bag and his wand, "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Ron hurriedly entered the cave.

Snape reached into his inside robes pocket, pulled out a pair of dark glasses and put them on.

* * *

Ron entered the cave and walked fifty paces straight forward as Snape instructed. He lit his wand, but didn't see any plants. He kept it lit looking around. Ah, there the plants were . . . but they were still about twenty paces away. Snape must be slipping

Suddenly Ron heard a snort. Then another. Then another.

He held his wand higher, his blood running cold when he saw three pairs of yellow eyes with vertical pupils staring back at him. Three wafts of smoke issued from three very scaly and large nostrils . . .

* * *

Snape's greasy hair blew back as blinding white hot flames issued from the cave mouth, lighting and heating up the entire area for several seconds before dying out.

Snape removed his glasses and neatly tucked them back into his pocket. He looked at the cave, his lips quirked with amusement.

"Too bad you didn't do your homework, Mr. Weasley," the wizard purred. "If you had, you would have known that Dragonsbane only repels dragons when brewed. Otherwise . . . the effect it has on dragons is like that of catnip on felines. It attracts them. Ah well, Mr. Weasley. Die and learn."

Snape turned and made his way back down the mountainside.

There was a certain brown-eyed, rather bushy-haired witch back at Hogwarts who was going to need quite a bit of comforting.

* * *

A/N: lol. I like writing Evil!Snape. Ron really should have read up on it though. Lol.


	3. Life Debt

**Life Debt**

Snape walked toward the small, shabby house before him. Behind the wizard followed a group of Disillusioned Aurors, Ron Weasley in the lead. With Snape's help they were routing out a pocket of hardcore Death Eaters that had been committing terrorist acts against citizens of the Wizarding World in an attempt to keep Voldemort's dream of Pureblood superiority alive.

Snape still served as a spy, working for the Ministry to bring about the end of these diehard followers of the Dark Lord. He approached the door. Dim, flickering light was apparent through a single dirty-paned window. Disillusioned, Ron crept up to the house and positioned himself on the other side of the door, his blue eyes resting on Snape.

The other Aurors hung back.

"Ready," Ron whispered.

Snape knocked, placing one pale hand in his pocket and grasping the handle of his wand. He had a bad feeling about this one. In the last raid, one Death Eater managed to get away. A face appeared in the dirty window for a moment, looking out and seeing nothing. Then it disappeared.

"Snape? Is that you?" a gruff voice growled from behind the closed door.

"Yes," Snape replied.

"Are you alone?" the voice pressed.

Snape looked around. All the Aurors were Disillusioned.

"As far as I can see, yes," the wizard replied.

The Death Eater on the other side of the door waved to his cohorts, and they took up positions on either side of the door, two behind it, and one on the right. The house was dark and filled with flickering firelight that cast shadows from the small blaze in the fireplace. When Snape entered, the shadow would help conceal the ambush, then they would kill him for his treachery. They knew he had something to do with the capture of their compatriots. The Death Eater that escaped capture was badly wounded during the raid and died from his injuries, but not before he told of Snape's complicity.

When the dark wizard survived Nagini's attack through the use of a specialized Bezoar with healing and Blood Replenishing properties, Harry made sure Kingsley Shacklebolt, who was acting Minister at the time, knew of Snape's loyalty. It was decided that Snape would remain "in hiding" and be used to route out any Death Eaters still loyal to Voldemort.

Every Auror in the Ministry was under strict oath not to reveal the Potions master's continued existence, though many articles were planted in newspapers describing how he was thought to be dead, but his body never found. So when Snape appeared, the Death Eaters believed him to still be considered a criminal, and invited him to clandestine meetings. He would relay this information, then, with the Aurors, take them out.

"Come in," the wizard said, stepping back from the door, his wand at the ready.

Snape drew his wand, then pushed the door open, entering quickly, his black eyes on the wizard in front of him. A wand was jabbed into the right side of his throat.

"Drop your wand, traitor," another Death Eater hissed, "or die now."

Snape's eyes shifted, and that was all the Death Eater needed to see.

"Avada Ked . . ."

Suddenly Snape was pushed forward and Ron ran in, still Disillusioned and blasting the Death Eater away as Snape grappled with the other who initially addressed him.

Neither knew of the Death Eaters behind the door, who leapt out.

The Aurors flooded through the door, but not before one of the Death Eaters cast a terrible hex at Ron's shimmer, the Auror letting out a scream and becoming visible, blood and intestines pouring from his slit belly.

Snape knocked out his opponent and ran to Ron, dropping to his knees and desperate to save him as the Aurors took down the other Death Eaters. Ron had shown himself to be a brave ally and had saved Snape's arse on more than one occasion. He had a grudging respect for the wizard now that he was a man.

"Hold still," Snape said to Ron, who lay on the floor blood gushing from his wound as Snape tried to seal his torn intestines and close the wound, but there was too much damage.

Pale, Ron looked up at the wizard, grabbing his wand hand.

"It's no use, Professor. I'm done for," he said softly, his eyes glazing, "but . . . you owe me a Life Debt. I saved you."

Snape looked at the dying wizard with a heavy heart. There were few as fearless as Ron Weasley. He did have the heart of a lion.

"Yes, I do," Snape agreed as Ron gripped his hand tightly, "and for more than tonight."

Ron coughed, a bit of blood appearing on his lip. His eyes focused on the pale wizard kneeling beside him. Snape had proven himself to be a brave, trustworthy ally, despite what a bloody git he'd been as a teacher.

Ron drew in a shallow, wheezing breath.

"Swear to me you'll look after Hermione. Swear that you won't let her suffer for anything. Promise me, professor. Promise me you'll take care of her . . . not let her become some kind of hermit," Ron gasped, his breathing labored now.

Snape blinked at him, his eyes a bit wet.

"Yes, Mr. Weasley. I will be sure to look after her. I give you my word," Snape replied, magic swirling about him as the Oath took.

Ron relaxed, a weak smile on his face.

"I know she'll be all right then," he said softly , "I know you'll. . ."

Ron's smile faded and he stopped speaking as his blue eyes closed for good, his grip on Snape's hand relaxing, then falling away.

"Good journey, Ronald Weasley," Snape said quietly, staring down at the wizard, "I will take care of your widow for as long as I live."

Severus Snape was as good as his word.

He and Hermione Weasley married three years later, and she never wanted for anything.

* * *

A/N: A worthy end for Ron. Sigh. Thanks for reading.


	4. What Lust Can Do

**What Lust Can Do**

Stunned, Ron Weasley followed Hermione on to the grounds of Hogwarts. He was hesitant, excited and a little scared as the witch walked before him, looking over her shoulder and smiling at him sexily.

When he returned from Quidditch practice, he was surprised to see Hermione waiting for him at the Main Entrance. She looked very happy to see him.

"Hi, Hermione," he said to the witch.

Hermione walked up to him and planted a hot kiss on his lips, her tongue scouring his mouth. He couldn't help but react. He knew she was teasing him though. Hermione always brought him to the edge, then would pull back, unwilling to go the whole way. It was frustrating, but Ron forced himself to be patient. George told him that was the only way to shag a witch like Hermione. If he tried to force the issue, he'd lose her.

When Hermione pulled away, Ron said, "Wow. That was some kiss, Hermione."

She looked back at him, her brown eyes hot and glistening.

"Tonight's the night, Ron. I'm ready for you now," she said in a somewhat husky voice, then she walked out of the main doors and on to the grounds of Hogwarts.

Ron blinked after her for a moment, then hurriedly followed.

Tonight was the night? She was finally going to shag him? Merlin. He felt as if he'd been waiting for this night all his life.

Hermione walked across the grounds at a good clip, Ron behind her, following as if on a lead, his heart pounding harder every time she looked back at him, a sexy smile on her lips. Yes, this really was happening.

"We're going to the Shrieking Shack. No one will bother us there," Hermione called back as she headed for the Whomping Willow.

Ron watched as the witch walked under the dangerous tree, but nothing happened. She must have turned it off. She stopped underneath the branches and looked at him.

"Come on, Ron. Help me into the tunnel," she said to him.

There was a tunnel that could be entered at the roots of the willow. It led to the Shrieking Shack. It had a bed in there. Ron didn't doubt Hermione had already prepared it for their first time, just as she had disabled the tree beforehand.

Ron walked toward Hermione, then embraced her, his hands sliding over her bum. She never let him touch her bum before. Gods, it was really happening.

A creak came from the willow, then a wooden roar as the main bough smashed downward, instantly crushing the couple flat to the earth, blood splattered, bones pulverived, matted hair and ruined flesh all that remained.

Suddenly, part of the mess vanished.

The remains of Hermione Granger.

A tall, dark form appeared, melting into view as DADA teacher Severus Snape removed his Disillusionment spell. He looked at Ronald Weasley's remains dispassionately. The boy hadn't really been a bad sort . . . just in the way.

If there was one thing Severus Snape knew how to do, it was remove obstacles.

The golem had worked well. Very well. Since it wasn't alive, it didn't trigger the tree's Whomping defenses. Whomping burned a lot of energy and if the tree reacted to every leaf that blew across the grounds or bit of fluff carried by the wind, it would burn out. But it was quite sensitive to truly living things, sensing heartbeats and respiration. That was what triggered it.

Golems had neither. But wizards did. When Ron entered its territory, the tree did what came naturally.

Whomped.

The pale wizard turned and walked back toward Hogwarts to inform the Headmistress about the terrible tragedy that befell the young Gryffindor Keeper. No doubt there would be great sorrow and grief at his loss. But time would heal that wound as he enacted his plans concerning one bushy-haired and brilliant Gryffindor witch.

He found her . . . interesting . . . on a number of levels. Far too interesting for the likes of Ron Weasley, obviously.

Snape had no doubt Hermione would accept his offer of Apprenticeship. She would find it irresistible, since he had never in the history of his employ ever extended such an invitation to anyone. Of course it would be in the field of Potions, despite his change of teaching venue. He was a true Master of the art.

Hermione would surely see being the first apprentice to the snarky wizard as a feather in her cap.

Snape on the other hand was sure it would eventually mean a Gryffindor in his bed.

Yes, that would work out admirably.

THE END

* * *

A/N: Something that came to me as I was driving Terrill to work this morning. I love the Whomping Willow. lol.


	5. Rock and Troll

**Rock and Troll**

"Well, what did he say?" Ron demanded of Hermione as soon as she walked into the flat.

Hermione pulled off her hat and gloves, then removed her traveling cloak as Ron looked at her impatiently.

"He said you're an idiot and there was no way he would take you to collect Trollsbane," Hermione replied, a small inflection in her voice implying she thought the Potions master was right.

Ron scowled as she hung up her cloak.

"Oh, but he wants to take you, doesn't he? Out in the mountains . . . all alone with him. Overnight. Alone. With Snape. It's just not right, Hermione," Ron said, following her as she walked into the kitchen.

"Ron, I'm his apprentice. Of course he'd take me," she said as she set up a pot for tea.

"He'd like to take you all right," Ron said, "and not harvesting Trollsbane either. I don't want you to go, Hermione. I'll . . . I'll go myself and get the damn plants."

Hermione turned and looked at Ron as if he'd lost his mind.

"Ron, you don't know anything about harvesting Trollsbane. It's extremely dangerous. The plants are in the middle of troll country. You have to know what you're doing or you'll end up on their menu," the witch said, shaking her head as she looked at the stubborn wizard.

"You could tell me how to harvest them, Hermione. I can follow instructions," the wizard said, a bit of pleading in his voice.

Ron was very jealous of Professor Snape and believed he had designs on Hermione, though he had no proof of it other than the way the dark wizard's eyes seemed to follow her whenever they were in mixed company. They were covetous as they looked at her.

Of course, Hermione told Ron he was crazy when he told her of his suspicions. Snape was completely asexual as far as she could tell.

"Yeah, probably a sexual deviant," Ron had snorted in response.

Hermione studied the red-haired wizard. She loved him very much, but he was so fucking paranoid and jealous. Her and Professor Snape?

Ridiculous. The snarky wizard had as much sex appeal as a dead flubberworm.

"Ron, I can tell you how to harvest the plant, but not how to get past the trolls. It is extremely difficult to get Trollsbane, which is why it is so expensive. It can cost as much as ten galleons for a pinch."

"Hermione, trolls are stupid . . . big and slow. I could outrun one in a second. They'd never be able to sneak up on me. You can hear them walking a mile away," he argued. "I'd be careful. I'd rather go myself rather than you go with Snape. Come on, Hermione."

Ron continued to cajole and beg Hermione far into the night. Finally, she agreed to tell him the general location of the plants. It was a rocky, mountainous area, well-known for the viciousness of the trolls.

Snape's excursion wouldn't occur until next month. If Ron could get him a good supply before then, there would be no need to make the journey.

"He's going to get himself killed," Snape said to his apprentice as she cut up some Valerian Root.

"Not if you tell me how to get past the trolls," Hermione said to the dark wizard.

Snape looked at her as if she were mad.

"That is a trade secret. I can't divulge that information," he replied, "but I suggest you dissuade your wizard from the idiotic path he's about to take if you care anything about him."

The wizard's eyes glinted a bit as he said this.

"Well, he did have a point about trolls," Hermione said, "They are big, stupid and slow. Not to mention loud. He'd hear them coming long before they reached him. He could run or fly out of range."

Snape smirked as he added the Valerian Root to his brew.

"You would think so, wouldn't you?" he purred. "But I advise you, Hermione, don't let him go if you love him."

"If I don't let him go, he's going to drive me crazy. He doesn't want me to go with you. He doesn't . . . doesn't trust you," she said rather softly.

Snape snorted as he turned up the fire.

"Him and three quarters of the Wizarding World," he replied. "Very well, let him go then. Be sure to say your tearful goodbyes first as you will most likely never see him again."

Hermione scowled. Ron wasn't really that stupid. He knew strategy well. He'd probably come up with one to collect the plants. Who did Snape think he was anyway? If he could do it, so could Ron.

Snape was such a git.

* * *

That night, Hermione showed Ron by map the location of the territory where the Trollsbane was supposed to be. Then she showed him what the plant looked like from a Botany book.

"It grows at the base of mountains, on rocky grounds. Look for rocky areas," the witch told him.

Ron studied the map carefully, committing it to memory. He took the day off from work at the joke shop and set out on his journey by broom. It took six hours to reach the rocky, barren area where the trolls lived.

Hermione and Snape's journey would have taken all night because Hermione wouldn't travel by broom, and they would have to Apparate to the outskirts of the territory and walk several miles to the mountains. It was too dangerous to Apparate directly into the area because the stones were always shifting and cleared grounds might not remain cleared. It meant death to phase into a solid object when Apparating.

Ron circled overhead for more than an hour, looking for any sign of trolls. He didn't see a single one.

"Probably some story Snape came up with to discourage people from harvesting here," Ron thought to himself as he looked through a pair of omnioculars, checking the base of the mountains. Finally he saw a rather large patch of Trollsbane in an area strewn with rocks and boulders of various sizes. A couple of large logs lay about as well.

"There it is," Ron said, zooming down and landing before the patch of plants.

He looked around cautiously, laid his broom against the side of a very large, gray-green boulder and pulled a plastic bag out of his pocket, walking up to the small, hardy plants.

"Trolls. Right," he snorted, then bent over and started pulling them up by the roots.

He was so busy harvesting that he didn't notice the huge "boulder" he had propped his broom against, shifted slightly, then slowly uncurled.

It wasn't a boulder at all, but a troll. A very quiet troll as it picked up the log next to it.

Ron never knew what hit him as the troll hammered him with the log, smashing him flat. Suddenly all the larger boulders uncurled, and a few smaller ones as well. Trolls of all sizes gathered around Grog, who stared down at Ron's flattened, tenderized body, drool dripping from the side of his great, misshapen mouth.

"Mancake," the creature said, prying up the flattened Ron-patty and tearing it into to chunks to share with the others.

"Mmmm, good," the troll grunted, spitting out a bit of red hair.

"But need bee honey."

* * *

Ron never did return from his excursion. Since troll territory was considered off-limits, no one could go in search of him without breaking the law and risking a stint in Azkaban. Snape had neglected to tell Hermione he had special dispensation to visit the area.

"It's protected land. Troll conservation," the wizard purred at the tearful witch.

"Troll conservation? What idiots came up with that? They should all be wiped out!" the distraught witch said, forgetting her own misguided crusade for house elf rights years ago.

However, Harry did sneak into the territory, determined to find out what happened to Ron. He barely made it out alive, a troll unfolding behind him as he flew slowly, searching the area. The creature and swatted him out of the air like a fly, his broom completely smashed as he tumbled, stopping against a crop of real rocks.

He managed to Apparate just as the troll's huge log swung down at him.

"Ron didn't make it, Hermione, believe me," Harry told the grieving witch on his return.

* * *

A memorial service was held for Ronald Bilius Weasley six months later. Hermione was there, but standing on the outskirts of the mourners. Molly blamed her for Ron's death. She should have never let him go on such a dangerous mission. The inconsolable witch pointed that out to her every time she saw her.

Snape, also standing in the crowd, let his dark eyes drift over to where Hermione was standing alone. Harry was with Ginny standing with the Weasleys. Hermione would never be welcomed in that household again.

She was all alone in the world now, except for her parents and Harry, who was married to Ginny. She never did socialize much. One of the drawbacks of being so stuck on one wizard.

He studied her.

Hermione wasn't used to being alone. She was going to need companionship.

Snape pursed his lips.

He could be fairly good company when he wanted to be.

In this case, he wanted to be.

* * *

A/N: Death by Troll. POOR RON. Lol.


	6. Jump and Thump

**Jump and Thump**

"Hermione! Hermione! Up here!"

Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley and Severus Snape all looked up, startled.

Ron was standing on the very top of the highest turret of Hogwarts, holding a sign and waving at them frantically. There was a long, thick cord tied around Ron's waist the other end tied to a flagpole that jutted out from the wall a distance.

"What's he doing?" Hermione cried. "Ron come down from there!"

Ron had told them to meet him on this side of Hogwart's castle at two o'clock. He had particularly wanted Snape to be there, the snarky bastard.

Ron instinctively knew Snape had Hermione in his sights, even if no one believed him. Well, he knew how to take care of that and with finesse too.

Snape arched an eyebrow at the red-haired idiot and wordlessly amplified his vision so he could read the message.

His eyes narrowed.

"Hermione, I love you!" Ron cried, then leapt off the top of the building, plummeting toward earth and holding out the sign as Hermione and Ginny screamed and clutched each other in terror. It read:

**HERMIONE, WILL YOU MARRY ME?**

Harry couldn't move.

But Snape could.

He subtly flicked his wand and just as Ron came to the end of the dive when he was supposed to be pulled back upwards, the bungee cord snapped and he slammed into the ground, leaving a rather deep impression.

"Oh my gods!" Hermione, Ginny and Harry screamed as they ran toward the wizard. But there was nothing to be done. Ron was completely flattened.

Harry and Ginny ran to get help, although Ronald Bilius Weasley was beyond help now. Hermione stood by his partially embedded body, sobbing uncontrollably. Snape walked up and slowly put his arm around the distraught witch.

Heartbroken, Hermione turned into him, crying into his robes as he embraced her.

"There, there, Miss Granger. Everything will be all right," Snape purred, pulling her closer against his lean body and stroking her bushy brown hair gently as he looked down at Ron's remains with a slight smirk.

Hermione's curves fit against him quite nicely.

"Believe me, apprentice, everything will be just fine."

* * *

A/N: Death by Bungee Cord. Lol. Just something that popped in my head. :) Supposed to be working on IAAU. Ah well.


	7. An Unfortunate Transformation

**An Unfortunate Transformation**

Hermione and Ron stood in the Room of Requirement, Hermione urging Ron to concentrate. It was after curfew and they really shouldn't have been in there. But Ron really wanted to learn to shape shift. If he could do it, he'd get great marks in Advanced Transfiguration.

Of course, Hermione was all for high marks, so she was trying to help him. She hadn't yet discovered her own Animagus form, or if she even had one, but . . . she figured by helping Ron, she might be helping herself.

"Now just relax, Ron, and will yourself to change," she said to him encouragingly, "stop squinting up your eyes. You're trying too hard."

Ron, who was red in the face, opened his eyes and looked at her.

"It's not easy, Hermione," he said sullenly.

"You can do it, Ron. Think about how happy your mum will be if you manage to get a high mark," she said to him.

"She'd be happy all right," he agreed, "Okay, I'm going to try and relax."

He rolled his shoulders, popped his neck a couple of times and relaxed, willing himself to change. He felt a strange sensation wash over him.

"I . . . I think something's happening Hermione," he said, focusing.

Hermione squealed loudly.

"You can do it, Ron!" she said excitedly.

Outside the ROR, professor Severus Snape paused as he heard a squeal come from the wall. He was on his nightly rounds, seeking out rule breakers out after curfew. The dark wizard stopped and cocked his head.

"ROR, this is Professor Severus Snape, Hogwarts Staff. Reveal yourself immediately," he ordered.

The ROR was required to show itself whenever a staff member called on it, provided they were actually in front of the room. It couldn't be summoned, however. A wooden door fuzzed into the wall and the professor slowly and stealthily approached it . . .

In the ROR, Hermione stared down at the floor, feeling a bit of disgust. This certainly wasn't a stellar form to say the least. The large size of it didn't help either. She recoiled slightly as Ron waved his antenna at her.

Suddenly the door flew open and Snape stormed in.

"Miss Granger, what are you doing . . ."

Suddenly the wizard stopped speaking. He looked down at the floor, strode forward and stomped on the largest roach he had ever seen, squishing it flat.

"NOOOO!" Hermione cried as Snape lifted his foot, gummy green stuff stretching from it to the crushed remains of Ronald Weasley.

"What? It was a roach," the professor said, not understanding what the witch was so upset about.

"It wasn't a roach, professor . . . it was Ronald Weasley! He had just transformed into it. It was his Animagus form!" she yelled at him.

Snape arched an eyebrow at the mess, then shook his head slightly.

"How was I supposed to know that?" he asked her, "what decent wizard turns into a roach?"

He gingerly scraped his boot on the stone tiling.

"I suppose I'd better report this," the wizard said, "and one hundred points from Gryffindor for being out after curfew, Miss Granger."

Snape turned and exited the room, leaving Hermione alone with the crushed remains of her boyfriend.

As he headed for Albus' office, Snape couldn't help thinking this had been quite a fortuitous accident.

He'd been trying to figure out how to get rid of Ron Weasley for months.

Hermione deserved better, much better than that dunderheaded oaf.

Well, when he made his offer of Apprenticeship to the witch, he was sure she'd take him up on it. He never had taken on an Apprentice before, and Hermione Granger was such a go-getter, she'd never be able to resist being the first one.

And then, the games could begin.

* * *

A/N: lol. Thanks for reading.


	8. In the Potions Lab

**Author Note:** On adultfanfiction . net I had an open story where a number of authors added chapters killing Ron off. It's hilarious. I just picked out the ones I contributed because I can't post another author's work here unfortunately, but there are some good inventive ways Ron buys it. The name of the collaboration is "100 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley" If you want to laugh until you cry, go look it up. You won't be sorry. There are some very talented writers out here

**In the Potions Lab**

"Hermione, I still don't understand why you have to go back to Hogwarts tonight," Ron said to his girlfriend sullenly.

Hermione, who had put up a pot of tea, turned and looked at the jealous, red-headed wizard with exasperation.

"Ron, I've already explained it to you. I'm helping Professor Snape to brew Mandrake Draught. He's involved with another more complicated potion and won't be able to add the stewed Mandrakes at the proper time. That's why I have to go back and stay until the next step," she said, walking into the living room of their flat and sitting down in an armchair

Ron followed her and stood before her as she rested her face in her hands.

"Besides, I want a small bottle of it to add to my own little potions store," she added. Professor Snape allowed her to take a small amount of any potion she helped to brew and she had a nice little collection of draughts, potions and elixirs in the hall closet.

"It sounds like an excuse to me. He just wants you there after hours, Hermione. I can tell he wants you just by the way he looks at you with those creepy, shifty eyes of his," Ron said accusingly. "A man can tell these things about another man. He wants you for himself, Hermione."

Hermione looked up at Ron, a tired expression on her face. Ever since she agreed to let him move in six months ago, he'd become possessive and jealous, wanting to know where she was every hour of the day and even putting a tracking charm on her once to make sure she was going where she said she was, which caused a powerful row between them. It was only because Ron cried and begged, falling to his knees with apologies and declarations of loving her so much, that Hermione didn't bounce him out on his arse.

Still, even after that close call, he didn't like her talking to any wizards and the fact that she was alone with Snape five days out of the week made him insane with jealousy, although the dark wizard did nothing, as far as Hermione could see to deserve Ron's suspicions. He was only teaching her the fine art of potionmaking.

But Ron, as thick as he appeared to be . . . was right. Severus Snape did have his eye on his brilliant Apprentice. He believed Hermione had too much potential to be tied down with a man whose only desire for her future was to turn her into a house frau. Still, he had yet to say anything to the witch, hoping that their "playing house" would help Hermione to see Ronald Weasley was not the man for her. She needed someone who could stimulate her mind . . . not to mention completely satisfy her body.

If anyone could do that . . . it was Severus Snape. Not only was he a master of Potions, he knew how to stir a woman until she boiled over as well. If he longed to turn the heat up under anyone, it was Hermione Granger.

But Snape was a patient man. He was certain that Ron Weasley would fuck up on his own. If he didn't, then . . . he might have to . . . intercede for Hermione's own good. Being stuck in an unsuitable marriage for life was worse than a death sentence as far as the dark wizard was concerned.

The kettle sounded. Hermione started to rise when Ron told her, "No, Hermione. You rest. I'll fix your tea for you. I know how you like it."

Hermione nodded and sat back in the armchair, closing her eyes. Yes, she was tired and at least Ron would be out of her hair for a few scant minutes. His jealousy was infuriating and she was getting damn tired of it. Just because he loved her didn't mean he had to try and isolate her from everyone else or follow her everywhere.

In the kitchen, Ron made Hermione's tea, then reached into his pocket and removed a small folded parchment. He looked back toward the kitchen door furtively, then added the tasteless mixture to her tea. It would knock her out for the night.

He stirred the tea carefully, then set it on a tray with a crumpet and brought it in to Hermione, who drank the tea down and consumed the pastry. Ten minutes later she was out cold.

Ron picked her up and carried her into the bedroom, removing her clothing and leaving her in her bra and knickers. When Hermione was overtired, she often just stripped down and slept that way. Hopefully she'd think she had a lie down and overslept.

Then Ron walked to her potions store and looked at the carefully labeled potions, found the one he wanted and took it into the bathroom.

"Now, where is that hairbrush?" he said to himself, looking about.

He was going to see for himself how Hermione and Snape interacted. If there were anything going on the least bit untoward, there'd be the devil to pay.

* * *

Snape was the lab that Hermione was to use, collecting some ingredients for his own project that he was working on in his personal lab when Hermione walked in.

"Good evening, Apprentice," he said to the witch, who hurried by him with a murmured "Good evening, Professor Snape."

Snape's eyes narrowed a moment as he looked at Hermione, who removed her robes and hung them up on the robes rack, rolled up her sleeves and walked over to the cauldron of Mandrake Draught and lifted up the lid, peering down at it, then the dish of stewed Mandrake next to the cauldron. She picked it up and started to add the contents, Snape watching her . . . his eyes still narrowed.

"Er . . . Apprentice . . . aren't you forgetting the cup of ammonium nitrate you're supposed to add?" he asked the witch silkily.

"Oh, oh yes," she murmured, not meeting his eyes.

Snape blinked at her for a moment, then a very unpleasant smirk appeared on his pale face.

"It's in the stores," he said, leaving the room.

Ron heaved a sigh of relief. It was him of course, polyjuiced to look like Hermione. So far, Snape hadn't said anything untoward, but he had the whole night ahead of him. He had read through Hermione's potions book, studying the Mandrake Draught recipe and knew what point she was at, but hadn't seen anything about ammonium nitrate. Still, he knew that Snape often altered brews to make them better. This was probably one of those cases.

He walked to the potions stores and saw the bottles had the same neat print on them as the ones at his and Hermione's flat. Obviously it was Hermione who stocked the stores. Ron shifted through the bottles, found the ammonium nitrate and returned to the counter. Carefully he measured out the powder . . .

In his lab, Severus paused as he heard a loud explosion.

Going back to cutting the Valerian Root under his long, pale fingers, he purred, "Oh my. There seems to have been a terrible accident."

* * *

Hermione arrived at Hogwarts the next morning, full of apologies for not coming in last night. She knew Professor Snape was going to be livid. He was very hard concerning lateness, and she hadn't shown up at all. Hopefully he wouldn't dismiss her as his apprentice.

Her brow furrowed as she saw Aurors carrying out small plastic bags of something that seemed wet and heavy. As she walked down the hall, she heard a shriek, and was nearly bowled over by Auror and best friend, Harry Potter.

"Hermione!" he cried, grasping her by her shoulders and shaking her as if he were insane. "Hermione, we thought you were dead!"

"Dead? What do you mean dead?" she asked him.

"Well, Snape contacted the Ministry last night and said you'd blown yourself to bits working on Mandrake Draught. We've been picking up the pieces all morning!"

"But I didn't come in last night, Harry. I fell asleep . . . and Ron, that git, didn't even wake me . . ."

Suddenly Hermione's eyes widened with horror as she realized what Ron had done.

"Oh Harry . . . Harry. That was Ron who got blown up, I'm sure of it," she said, her voice high. "I think he knocked me out and pretended to be me so he could see what was going on with Snape. He was so jealous, Harry. I bet if I go home and check my stores, I'm missing a bottle of Polyjuice."

Harry stared at her for a moment, then said, "Oh no, Hermione . . . he wouldn't have . . . would he?"

Witch and wizard stood facing each other, knowing Ron was stupid enough to have done just that.

Further down the hall, Severus Snape stood partially in the doorway of his office, looking at the couple, his face somber despite his elation. Ronald Weasley was now out of the way. Of course, he knew immediately by his greeting that Ron was not Hermione. They had a strict code of addressing each other. He called Hermione "apprentice" and she called him "master" and not "Professor Snape."

Of course, it could have been an error on her part, but Hermione was usually quite fastidious. It was when she agreed to add the ammonium nitrate, an ingredient that was highly explosive after a brew reached 360 degrees, he knew that he was looking at Ronald Weasley. So he left the lab and let stupidity take its course.

Now, Hermione was free. Oh, he'd give her a decent period to mourn. Four months should be enough. She still had two and a half years of apprenticeship left with him. More than enough time to establish a more intimate and suitable relationship than the one they currently had.

The dark wizard took a deep breath and began to glide up the hall toward Hermione and Harry. After reacting with the proper surprise, dismay and sympathy, he could work on comforting her . . .

and more.

* * *

A/N: I saw our little interactive work was lagging, so added this little short. Again, Ron dies. Pooooor Ron. Lol. Now ya'll add something. We're mighty close.


	9. Video Parody 100 Ways to Kill Ron Weasle

**Video Parody ~ 100 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley**

This is a fun Youtube video I made when a friend of mine rewrote "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" as a part of my "100 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley" challenge on Adultfanfiction . net.

It was so funny that I put together movie clips and sang the song. It's pretty entertaining.

To see the video, go to my website theburningpen . com (No Spaces) and scroll down to the bottom of the page. It is on the left side. I think you'll really enjoy it. It was fun to make. :)

Happy holidays!


	10. Snape's Cure for Stupidity

**Snape's Cure for Stupidity**

Snape was always advertising for human test subjects for his Potions. A lot of the younger crowd supplemented their incomes in this manner, after signing a waiver that absolved Snape of any responsibility for any negative results. So far, no one had suffered more than a bit of discomfort.

Snape had decided that one of the worst maladies in the world today was stupidity. It was all-compassing and could even be passed down from person to person. It was also communicable. The stupidest ideas could be perpetuated almost eternally once introduced into society. And no matter how idiotic the idea was, there was some arsehole out there ready to believe it.

So Snape had worked on a potion to stop stupidity in all its forms. It was very frustrating work, and after five years of intense experimentation, Snape realized that the cure was much simpler than he initially believed. It was a bit unconventional, but—there was an epidemic.

Imagine the Potions master's surprise when Ronald Weasley turned up as a test subject. Weasley was dating his apprentice, Hermione Granger. Snape thought it a very bad match, but Hermione was stubborn and loyal to a fault. Despite the obvious unsuitability, she continued to see Ron.

Snape gave Ron the waiver, and he filled it out.

"Wow, one hundred Galleons? I ought to do this for a living," Ron said to the dour wizard.

Snape didn't say anything as he poured the potion into a cup.

"What's it supposed to do?" Ron asked him as he took it, peering down to see the contents. It was a pink liquid that smelled a bit like bubblegum.

"Cure stupidity," Snape replied.

"Oh. Well, that's good," Ron said, toasting the wizard with the cup and drinking the potion down.

He smacked his lips.

"Mmm. It tastes all right," Ron said as Snape waited.

He didn't have to wait long.

"Arrrgh!" Ron cried, clutching his chest for a moment, and then keeling over.

Snape blinked down at him, then checked his pulse.

There was none.

Snape then smirked at the dead beau of Hermione Granger.

"Success," he purred, picking up the waiver with a flourish.

He'd need that.

******************************************  
A/N: This wasn't really about Ron for me. My grandson's mother R* did something INCREDIBLY stupid and I was just writing out my frustration. Lol. Thanks for reading.


	11. Very Tartly Speaking

**Tartly Speaking**

Professor Severus Snape swooped up the corridor leading out of the area that housed the Hogwarts kitchen. The aroma of fresh baked goods followed him as he billowed his way up the stairwell and into the main hall.

Ronald Weasley had just entered the castle, and his keen nose for all things delicious focused on the yummy scent that followed as the Potions master passed to the dungeon entrance without so much as a word although he saw the Gryffindor enter. Weasley was probably here to stalk . . . er . . . see his girlfriend, Charms Mistress Hermione Granger.

Ron blinked after the disappearing wizard for a moment. Hermione had mentioned that Snape had taken to baking as a side hobby, feeling he would have a natural affinity to it since brewing and measuring was practically ingrained in him as a Potions master.

Ron loved all things baked, and saw quite the opportunity here. Hermione could wait a few minutes as he stealthily made his way down to the Hogwarts kitchen. He tickled the fruit in a portrait and the concealed door swung open. He entered. There wasn't a house elf in sight. That made sense. Snape was not the best kitchen mate, after all.

Ron followed his nose over to a table where a dozen tarts rested. They were still steaming. He sniffed appreciatively.

"Elderberry tarts," he breathed, then reached over and picked up a warm, succulent pastry and bit into it.

* * *

"Clearly my baking skills leave something to be desired," Snape said to the Aurors as they studied the body of Ronald Weasley. He lay on his back, traces of Elderberry tart around his mouth as he laid on his back, stiff and pale, the tart still curled in his fingers.

Hermione pushed through and looked down at her beau miserably.

"Oh Ron!" she exclaimed, then looked at the Auror standing over him.

"What happened?" she asked, tears filling her eyes.

It was Snape who answered.

"Apparently, Miss Granger, I failed to cook the elderberries to the proper temperature to render the cyanide inherent in the fruit harmless. Mr. Weasley entered the kitchen and without permission proceeded to consume one of the pastries. If not for his penchant for gluttony, he would still be among us."

Hermione shook her head miserably.

"Oh Ron," she breathed at the corpse, "I always said your eating habits would be the death of you."

Snape watched as the tears streamed down her cheeks. It was obvious the witch would be in need of consolation.

He'd definitely be there in her time of need.

THE END

* * *

A/N: Just letting you all know I'm giving access to all rather naughty links on the Burning Pen for a donation of $10. Original novels, downloadable books, naughty animations, very naughty illustrated stories, videos and more. Info is on the front page of the site. Fun stuff! **** Link: theburningpen . com Just trying to make it through the end of the month.

A/A/N: The subject of the dangers of elderberries came up while I spoke to a friend who makes syrup. Naturally, Ron's love of food would lead to his death. lol. Not a great short but at least I wrote something. Thanks for reading.


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